Circumstances

Two large trees pine trees fell over in my backyard. They weren’t my trees. My neighbors have left English ivy to invade their property over the past few decades. They’re mine now. I do not spend a lot of time in my backyard and the only people that can see the trees are the ones who let it fall but they have started to bother me. They have obstructed the view of my stagnant creek full of pretty oil rainbows.

I had to make a decision. Do I clear the trees myself or do I hire someone to do it for me? I am completely averse to hard labor but it seemed like a manly thing to do, and since I spend most of my waking hours in front of a computer I can use all the help in that department that I can get. The first problem with this is that I do not own a chainsaw. I thought about renting one and then I did the math and the cost to rent wasn’t too far off from one of the cheap models at the hardware store.

I come from a line of men that worked with their hands. I would like to think that some of this knowledge of tools is embedded deep within my genes. It is not. I know it and my father knew it and wasn’t afraid to say it. I went on a mission trip once in my youth to help build handicap ramps for folks that were in desperate need. I was so looking forward to sawing and screwing with power tools but was denied the opportunity. When I asked why, I was presented with a handwritten note from my father to the chaperone that read, “Do not, under any circumstances, let Chris use power tools.” I’d say that hurt me, but it didn’t, because I knew it too.

Every now and then I try to prove the old man wrong and this was one of those occasions. I purchased the cheap chainsaw. I went with a gas model because I figured I would get more bang for my buck. It felt wrong, I’m somewhat of an environmentalist, but this was a desperate situation on a shoestring budget. I allowed myself the exception this one time. Plus, I had never used a chainsaw and it seemed wrong to lose my chainsaw virginity to a battery.

There I sat in my driveway with my new toy and all the fluids and lubes that it needed to make it function. After reading the instructions and watching a couple of videos, I started pulling at the string. I have to admit it was rather sobering just how close my bare flesh was to the chain so I put on some gloves because we all know gloves can stop metal. I yanked and tugged. Nothing. Pulled this lever. Pumped this bulb. Nothing. Again and again. Nothing. I start cursing. My wife comes out. She reads the instructions. Watches a few videos. She didn’t believe that I had done my homework, and perhaps past behavior would warrant that suspicion.

She tells me what to do. I get mad. I pull and tug and pump and push. Nothing. She says, “it is kind of a small one isn’t it?” WE COULDN’T AFFORD THE BIGGER ONE! “I don’t think that would even work, the trees are way bigger than that. Did you measure the tree?” I used the anger that she built up in me to pull with all my might. Finally, the engine turns on, aaaand promptly dies. For another hour or so I toy with it and never again got a sign of life. Finally, I admitted defeat, put the piece of garbage back in the box, and took it back to the hardware store.

The lady that I had just purchased this thing from asks me why I’m returning it. It won’t work. Does it have gas in it? Of course. I can’t accept it with gas in it. What am I supposed to do? I don’t know.

I head out to the parking lot with every intention of dumping all the gas out right then and there and then I saw someone smoking and got to thinking how I didn’t want to go to jail for burning down the store. I went to a gas station because I thought maybe I could dump it there. Then I saw someone smoking at the pump. I went to a park close by but then I thought about the fish that the gas could hurt. I went all the way back to my house and poured the gas back into the gas container as best I could. Back in the car. Back to the hardware store.

Does it have gas in it? No. Does it have oil in it? Yes. I can’t take it back with oil in it.

The chainsaw has been returned. I have a guy coming next week to deal with the trees. And my father was right. I should not use power tools under any circumstances. I also have a better understanding of why the stagnant creek in my backyard has all of those pretty oil rainbows.