If somebody asked you what the greatest invention of all time was you’d probably say something like the light bulb...or the computer...maybe the car...hell, maybe even the air conditioner. I’d say you were wrong. Them things is nice. I’m glad we have them...but I could live without ‘em just the same. The number one greatest invention of all time is toilet paper...with the second greatest invention being the plastic bag...to keep it dry.
Just think about it a minute. Can you imagine what the world would be like without toilet paper? We might as well be cavemen running around naked beating each other with clubs. Yes, toilet paper, dry toilet paper, is what separates us...from them.
I never leave the house without a roll in my van. And I never leave without a few sheets in a plastic bag in my pocket...because you never know when you’re gonna have to go. Don’t tell nobody this...but I heard that just the other day ol’ Nancy Hedgepeth was driving down the interstate...You know ol’ Nancy? Lives over there off Spencer street? Well, she was driving to the outlet mall when all of a sudden her stomach started growling louder than the dirty romance novel or soft rock she was listening to on the radio…
Apparently ol’ Nancy...I call her Nanners...had stopped over there at the Chinese restaurant before she went on her little shopping trip and gotten into some bad “egg foo young”...she had to make an emergency pull over on the side of I-75 between here and Griffin because all that MSG twisted her stomach up something awful...She pulled that car over...scooted to the passenger side...opened the door...held on to the damn ceiling handle and just let it rip...all over the kudzu out there…
Now after having done something like that...most people would have a pretty uncomfortable ride home...but not ol’ Nanners...because she listened to me and had her a roll of toilet paper in the car. And you know what? If she had been riding in a convertible she would have been just as well...’cause she had it in a plastic bag. So you just remember that the next time you go out and maybe it’ll save you some discomfort too.