For about a year, every time I go down stairs my right knee makes a little popping sound. I didn’t think much of it until my wife started picking on me, calling me a rusty old man. That didn’t bother me so much, but then I started to develop some pain. I rested it for a while, took some old-man naproxen sodiums, but it just wouldn’t go away, the popping or the pain, and I realized that I was going down a similar path as most of the men in my family. I would either die or be saddled with some chronic pain that I could bring up at the most inopportune times to make things awkward or completely derail someone’s thoughtful conversation.
As much as I envy the old men in the chronic pain commercials trying to tie flies while their hands cramp up, or trying to play with their kids and their sciatica acts up, I’m not ready for that yet. I made an appointment with an orthopedic doctor to figure out what was going on. I have never been to an orthopedic doc in my life so I really had no idea what to expect.
I show up at this little office packed to the brim with medals and photos of Olympians and magazines with this doctor plastered all over the place. I felt pretty good. I felt like whatever was about to happen, I had made the right choice.
I got there quite a bit earlier than my scheduled appointment and sat in the waiting room playing on my phone. One after one these young people start filing through the door in white lab coats. The office was small. I thought only one doctor was there. That’s what the sign said. By the time I got called for my appointment, there were six other ‘doctors’ huddled around in their little office area. All of these ‘doctors’ were wearing masks so I couldn’t really see their faces but I could tell they were young and all of them had the physique of a Greek god or goddess. I guess in that field you better practice what you preach.
The main doctor, an older god, comes out of some hidden door and takes me back to an exam room. He starts asking me a few questions and staring at my knee. It was then I realized that if he wanted to see my knee, and he needed to, I would have to remove the dirty pair of jeans I had been wearing for the past three months. That was fine. We were both guys, I have no shame. He leaves the room while I remove my pants and then I realize I was wearing my favorite pair of underwear. A flannel pair of boxer shorts three sizes too big for me that I have managed to wear quite a few holes in the bottom of over the past decade. Whatever, I’m sure he’s seen it all before.
When the door opens again the old doctor comes in. I’m sitting on the exam table in my war-torn underwear when he motions with his hand for all six of the other ‘doctors’ to come in. Now this...this is not what I was prepared for. He introduces the swarm of ‘doctors’ as interns completing part of their requirements for ortho school. He then instructs me to lay down on my back so he can perform an inspection. “Oh, go ahead and remove your socks”, he says.
Now I’m uncomfortable. I don’t even like looking at my feet on a good day. To make matters worse when I took my socks off I discover that my feet, like every other part of my body during this pandemic, had been neglected. My toenails we so long that I could have climbed up a telephone pole with ease.
I lay down, trying not to make eye contact with anyone in the room. The masked faces were crowded around me. The light was shining right down on me. Then this doctor begins grabbing my leg and stretching it up to the ceiling. Flipping me over, bending me this way and that way. It was exactly what I imagine an alien abduction would be like. Exactly. And God only knows what popped out of this wild, telephone pole climbing specimens underpants for these aliens to feast their alien eyes on.
When it was all said and done my diagnosis was a textbook grinding kneecap. It was called something else but that’s all I heard. Take naproxen sodiums and do some physical therapy. Everything would be fine in a few months. But will it be fine? I don’t know. All I can think about is what these aliens told their alien families over their alien dinner that night… ”Did you know there is a creature on planet Earth that can climb telephone poles but every time they do their knee pops?” “No, neither did I. Pass the alien cornbread.”